airtraffic

Author Topic: Cabin Announcements  (Read 9489 times)

Offline Lincolnshireblue

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Cabin Announcements
« on: September 01, 2006, 12:41:08 PM »
Someone has just sent these to me, I hope you enjoy them as much as I did:

An announcement on a flight from Atlanta to Orlando. 
  "Would everyone please take all their personal belongings with them, or you can find them on ebay tomorrow."

  All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in flight
"safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

  1. On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where
you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"

  2. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the
pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will
be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance
the appearance of your flight attendants."

  3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your
belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's
something we'd like to have.

  4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways
out of this airplane"

  5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed
giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

  6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

  7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a
flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when
opening the overhead compartments because! , after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

  8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa.. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight.. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if
you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

  9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressu! re, mask s will descend
from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face.
If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before
assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child,
pick your favorite."

  10. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

  11. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an
emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our
compliments."

  12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.
Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants.
Please do not leave children or spouses."

  13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is
pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry.
Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

  14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt
Lake City the flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was
quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it
wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the
flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."

  15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a
particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight
Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

  16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

  17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered
his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which
required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited,
smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in
light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the
eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"

  18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on
with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash
and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the
gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are
silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

  19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank
you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane
urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope
you'll think of US Airways."

  20. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you
wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if
you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

  21. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a
comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the
intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and
Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to
you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my
lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled,
"That's nothing. You should see the back of mine."



Offline ngreed

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Re: Cabin Announcements
« Reply #1 on: September 01, 2006, 01:20:14 PM »
Too Funny, Good Ones...

Offline KSYR-pjr

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Re: Cabin Announcements
« Reply #2 on: September 02, 2006, 12:06:57 PM »
Very good.  Haven't seen many of those before.

George Carlin's routine from his "Jammin' in NY" CD about unnecessary words in airline announcements should be required listening for anyone who flies in the back of an airliner.

While taxing in to the gate, the flight attendant says:  "Welcome to O'Hare International Airport."

GC:  Well, how can someone who is just arriving herself possibly welcome me to a place she isn't even at yet?  Doesn't this violate some fundamental law of physics?"


Flight Attendant:  "Continue to observe the 'No-Smoking' sign until well inside the terminal."

GC:  It's physically impossible to observe the 'No-Smoking' sign even if you are standing just outside the door of the airplane, much less well inside the terminal.   Youuu cannot even see the planes from well inside the terminal.

Offline RayZor

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Re: Cabin Announcements
« Reply #3 on: September 02, 2006, 12:19:20 PM »
 :-D  That is what got me hooked on George Carlin.  (Especially the safety lecture rant)  "...'place the mask over your face and breathe normally.'  Well, no problem there.  I always breathe normally when I'm in an uncontrolled, 600-mile-an-hour vertical dive."

Offline miker1112

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Re: Cabin Announcements
« Reply #4 on: September 03, 2006, 12:01:37 AM »
I couldn't agree with RayZor more. George Carlin is absolutely the best and I strongly suggest that anyone who hasn't listened to his speech on the airline go out and buy one of his books or watch one of his HBO specials with that in it.  I can't wait to see him in person next month of the 13th, second row!!!  Thanks by the way to Lincolnshireblue, those were absolutely hilarious. I love #18!

Offline Tomato

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Re: Cabin Announcements
« Reply #5 on: September 04, 2006, 06:36:22 PM »
This is absolutely great!  I'll be sure to check out this George Carlin fella as well.  Cheers. :)

Offline Tomato

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Re: Cabin Announcements
« Reply #6 on: September 04, 2006, 07:15:29 PM »
For anybody else curious about George Carlin - there's a lot of videos on YouTube.  Just search for "George Carlin" - his ones on Airport Security are there too.  :)

Offline Jane G

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Re: Cabin Announcements
« Reply #7 on: September 05, 2006, 01:17:42 AM »
My favourite.

As dawn broke, bathing an overnight Atlantic flight in a warm orange glow, one particularly obnoxious first class passenger loudly exclaimed, "Who turned on the f***ing lights?. A flight attendant who had, up till then, been subjected to a flood of abuse and outrageous demands from said passenger responded with the sweetest voice, "Oh sir, those are the breakfast lights. The f***ing lights were on half an hour ago and you slept right through them".