Since the topic is ATC humor, I think you'd like this, I read it on another ATC page.
Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!" Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees." "Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?" "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!" Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!" Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"
Control tower to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound." United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this.... I've got the little Fokker in sight."
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
A military pilot called for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." Air Traffic Control told the fighter pilot that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."
Allegedly, a Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following: Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?" Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English." Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?" Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7" Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway." Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?" Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?" The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."
Allegedly the German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They, it is alleged, not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206. Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway." Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop. Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?" Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now." Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?" Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark,...... and I didn't land."
Allegedly, while taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?" US Air 2771: "Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"
It was a really nice day, right about dusk, and a Piper Malibu
was being vectored into a long line of airliners in order to land at Kansas
KC Approach: "Malibu three two-Charlie, you're following a 727,
one o'clock and three miles."
Three-two-Charlie: "We've got him. We'll follow him."
KC Approach: "Delta 105, your traffic to follow is a Malibu, eleven o'clock and three miles. Do you have that traffic?"
Delta 105 (long pause and then in a thick southern drawl): "Well...I've got something down there. Can't quite tell if it's a Malibu or a Chevelle, though."
Lufthansa 34 over Cleveland Center at 3:00 in the morning.
"Cleveland Centa, Lufthansa 34 over Cleveland at flight level 39ner zero"..........no answer. The controller may have been getting a fresh cup.
"Cleveland Centa, Lufthansa 34 over Cleveland at flight level 39ner zero".......no answer.
"Cleveland Centa, Lufthansa 34 over Cleveland at flight level 39ner zero....you know, ve have vays to make you talk".
The controller working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to make a three-sixty--do a complete circle, a move normally used to provide spacing between aircraft.
The pilot of the 727 complained, "Don't you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make even a one-eighty in this airplane?"
Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger, give me four thousand dollars' worth."
Billund ATC: Gliders 82 and D5, state position and altitude?
82: Overhead Coal Lake, 6400 feet.
D5: Same position, same altitude.
ATC (cool, dry voice): So should I go get my collision report form ?
ATC: Say altitude
Pilot (feeling frisky): altitude
ATC: Say ALTITUDE
ATC: Say 'Canceling IFR'
Pilot: Level 8000
Several planes were running up and waiting to take off, many Cessna's including a 337. With all the students and several similar call signs, the controllers were getting a tad confused. The controller finally asked: "Cessna 123YZ, are you the Skymaster?"
A slightly confused voice with an indeterminate accent replied, after a moment, "Well, my instructor says that I am very good, but I do not think that I would yet be considered the 'Skymaster.'"
A friend of mine was ferrying his Blanick to a nearby airport on the other side of some Class C Airspace. The 182 tow plane had no radio, but the Blanick did. No problem, after departing the glider called, ATC and gave their intentions to cross The Class C airspace. About halfway across, ATC requested a 90 degree right turn. My friend responded. "What do you want me do? Yell out the window?"
A crew in a Baron was taxiing at LAX back in the sixties and encountered one of the (then) new 747's. Both pilot and co- were all eyes as both aircraft approached the same intersection.
Baron: Uh, ATC, verify you want me to taxi in front of the 747.
ATC: Yeah, it's OK. He's not hungry.
Tower: Cessna N1234, be advised wake turbulence - UA 737. [pause]
Cessna: San Jose tower be advised the Cessna is ahead of the 737.
Tower: UA 737, be advised wake turbulence Cessna 172.
Someone: Giggles and laughter in background.
After several unsuccessful attempts to raise the student pilot whom the tower has just issued instructions to: "You have to key in the mic...I can't see you when you nod your head."
Another student, a not too bright woman, was coming in for a landing. The radio in the FBO was set to the ground freq. It seems that she landed on the taxi way.
The ground controller told her, "please call 555-9876 after you park the plane".
She answered, "No thank you sir, I'm already married."
Cessna: Bay Approach, Cessna 12345 over South County Airport at four thousand feet, request permission to land at San Jose.
Bay Approach: Cessna 12345, Squawk 4567, and do you have Hotel? (the current SJC ATIS)
Cessna: Negative, we're going to stay with my sister-in-law.
American 123: Does your sister-in-law have any extra rooms?
Overheard by a guy giving rides: "Sorry about the rough landing, but I'm practicing for a job at SAS. Next time I'll try to loose your luggage."
I was taxiing out to the active in a 172 and I had just dialed up tower and checked the approach which was clear. The weather was 15+ vis and no ceiling. I was just about to call tower for clearance when I heard this.
ABC: London tower this is alpha bravo charlie on short final 33.
TWR: Alpha bravo charlie, negative visual contact pull up go around.
I took a good hard look for the a/c and saw nothing so I called tower and got cleared to go. I heard 2 more renditions of the "On short final" and "Pull up go around" act. On the fourth try the pilot got a bit frustrated about the wave off. It went like this.
TWR: Negative visual contact pull up and go around.
ABC: Well look out you window, I'm right bloody in front of you!
Tower came back very cool and collected.
TWR: Alpha bravo charlie look down into the centre of the runway pattern. Do you see a big white radar dome?
ABC: err....negative dome tower.
TWR: That's because you're not over London. You're over Waterloo-Wellington 50 miles north-east of my position. Waterloo-Wellington tower frequency is 125.00. I think they would like to talk to you.
ATC: Cessna 1234 What are your intentions?
Cessna: To get my Commercial Pilots License and Instrument Rating.
ATC: Cessna 1234 I meant in the next five minutes not years.
A true story from my Scottish days when a C152 pilot was asked to report his height prior to clearance to enter the zone, replied: "Flight Level Three Thousand, Seven Hundred", upon which the Controller very smartly replied, "Roger, prepare to fire retro-rockets and re-enter the atmosphere!"
C-150: Tower this is N-1234 can you give us a ground speed please?
Tower: Roger N-1234 we show you at 110 knots
Mooney: (Showing off a bit) tower this is N-5678 can you give US a ground speed please?
Tower: Roger that N-5678 we show you at 201 knots
F-18: (Showing off a lot and said with a Texas drawl). Heh Heh.. tower how about XXXX, can you give US a ground speed please?
Tower: Roger XXXX we show you at 580 knots.
... then in a distant crackly voice,
"Tower, we'd like a ground speed too please..."
Tower: Ummmm ahhh .... must be something wrong with our equipment here, I show you at 1500 knots sir.
"No sir, this is a SR-71. Thank you for the reading."
Student pilot: "Think about it. I navigated through a boiling fluid swirling around a rotating sphere that is hurtling around a fusion reaction source at thousands of miles per hour. This system is moving in a circular motion around a black hole at who knows what speed, while the space it takes up is expanding. And I bounced six inches. SIX MEASLY INCHES! Get off my freakin' back, man!"
Washington D.C., Clearance Delivery: "GAF269, you are cleared to
destination Indian Springs via after take off radar vectors to 4000 feet
thereafter present position direct BOM do not pass BOM at 6000 feet or
below after passing 15000 feet turn right on heading 280 to intercept J156
direct ZZT thereafter intercept j158 own navigation read back."
GAF 269: "Roger German Air Force 269 is cleared to Destination Indian
Springs via after take off radar vectors to 4000 feet thereafter present
position direct BOM do not pass BOM at 6000 feet or below after passing
15000 feet turn right on heading 280 to intercept J156 direct ZZT
thereafter intercept j158 own navigation and I need another pencil."
Tower: "Aircraft on final, go around, there's an aircraft on the runway!"
Pilot Trainee: "Roger" (pilot continues approach)
Tower: "Aircraft, I said GO AROUND!!!"!
Pilot Trainee: "Roger"
The trainee doesn't react, lands the aircraft on the numbers, rolls to a twin standing in the middle of the runway, goes around the twin and continues to the taxiway